faith journey.

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3 weeks and 1 day, she has been here. She entered this world in a hurry, with one solid ‘push’ she was here. Faith was given as her middle name, due to the timing and curiumstance surrounding her birth. Not knowing the days that would follow would prove to be more ‘faith’ then we ever expected.

5 days from your birth day, we were back at the hospital for a less than joyful event. In a matter of hours/minutes your future was in the balance of life or death. You our sweet #6, our ‘even baby’, our little girl.

A few weeks prior to your birth I went to an all women church service and being “Rooted” was part of the theme. I began that night praying that whatever came my way I would stand firm in my faith. I’ve been a Christ follower since i was 7 and have walked this journey with joy and honor. That night i was faced with a hard question, would I still LOVE God (fully) if a tragic thing happened. I wanted to whole heartily say yes.. (but knew this was my weakness.. thinking God was challenging me, asking me if i lost Joel…) So for weeks i have searched and prayed that i would be “Rooted”.

Then January 29th, The day still holds its own -pause- . The day I doubted my faith, I doubted everything I knew. Standing  there looking at my 5 day old, 5lb, little girl, go into hyperthermia, stop breathing, fear of a deadly infection was mentioned many many times, tests showed she had gone septic and all we could do was stand there……

Joel was my physical rock. He prayed and held me as tear after tear slipped down my cheek, prayers I didn’t want him to say.. “Lord let your will be done.” STOP i wanted to shout.. Gods will MIGHT be to take her.. and i am not ready for that. I don’t want his will.. was all my heart could scream. without judgement Joel held me as I began to pray my own prayer, realizing GOD loves her MORE than I do. First She is HIS daughter.

Within the 5 hour period of us being in the trauma room waiting for her vitals to stabilize, I realized.. His plans are to prosper and give us a hope and a future…Even if we don’t understand it.

With every ounce of uncertainty of the future I prayed.. “even if you take her lord i will still love you.” “Even if”. We were unsure of the future or the outcome of our sweet #6. But I knew (somewhere in my heart) that God was still sovereign. The peace was overwhelming, although my heart was still heavy, I had Faith. Faith that what we hope for will come about and the certainty that what we cannot see exists. (hebrews 11:1).

So today I rejoice as I hold my 3 week old, (today is her actual due date), and know her future -as well as her 5 siblings- are not mine, or even promised. But that my Lord, will see me through it.. whatever ‘it’ may be.

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all 6 babies cuddling with mommy!

this Song by Kristain Stanfill  became my go-to song while we were in the hospital.

~jessica